Today Cardiff is full of noise. Not harmonious sounds of nature or the gentle hustle and bustle of the every-day, but unorganised, chaotic, LOUD noise. I fear today is the day I’ll fall off my podium of positive, unapologetic, ‘shove it down your throat’ happiness. I have ducked into my local Nero, partially to write this, partially to just sit down and feel momentarily still against the unforgiving current of rugby fans and shoppers. I’ve flounced over to the counter to order my (very large) coffee, and fallen into a comfy leather sofa just to spill my drink into a puddle on the table. I am beyond caring.
I don’t even have a reason to be feeling this way. ‘This way’ being the unwelcome wave of depersonalisation, derealisation, muffled from my surroundings, wobbly and disconnected, I never wanted to feel this way again. This morning I have put myself and my skills on Gumtree, and applied to a couple of temporary design positions, I have sorted through my emails, thoroughly, I have tweeted a professional creative about meeting for coffee, ordered the much needed bell for my bike and I have got my laptop somewhat fixed… Which may also be seen as a negative, because it’s a £35 unexpected expense with the expectation of another £100 for the actual repair. I also (apparently) need to get three more things done to my bike for it to be safe; another £100 or so. I think my finances might be the driving force of this current dilemma.
There are so many massive upcoming expenses and I have absolutely zero income. Commission work has dried up and applying for a full time design or photography position seems out of the question considering my near-future plans to dive out of the country into Asia, and hopefully beyond. I am going to have to pay for my visa, flights, insurance, more flights, I want to get tattoos, I’ll need equipment for the cycle trip I have ‘sort-of’ planned. I have to make phone calls, I hate making phone calls. And all the time I am being faced with unexpected expenses and a quickly deteriorating savings account. I’m really hoping this feeling fades because when I feel overwhelmed I tend to freeze, or bail, and right now I cannot afford even of those options. Maybe when the city quietens down things will be okay.