Transparent.

I think it’s important to be transparent. Even as a professional, I am still a human being, an individual, and I never want anyone I work with, am friends with, even family, seeing only the one side of me and judging my whole existence on that. Connection is important and it is impossible to connect without transparency. So here it is.

Today I am feeling unsteady and completely and utterly alone. I am turned down and disregarded. I am running into my Australia fund just to live through the summer, it isn’t even summer yet. Over the last month I have been rejected for even base level jobs, most didn’t even email to let me know. Today I was rejected for the Penguin Random House award, and the most expensive item on my eBay has been requested to be returned. Tomorrow I receive my dissertation grade and my future becomes a little clearer. Right now life is difficult.

Energy exists so obviously sometimes, more frequently these days, in honesty and flow, authenticity. Even on the worst days. Simply and positively found in the way my phone coincidentally shuffled backwards in order through two of the most recent songs, Arctic Monkeys. A comfort, a symbol of the magic found in last Saturday night. A subliminal call for action answered swiftly, an undeniable internal to external energy transfer. A more complex example is the path I am following towards the end of university, towards impending unemployment, the end of my tenancy, three weeks and I am ‘out there’ on my own with no real plan but I am breathing steadily, centred and hopeful that this can only be a positive experience for me. Have faith.

It has hit me that I’m leaving Cardiff soon and at first this felt great; freedom, an insane test of my capability, but recently I have become more a part of the community here, I have built up a group of friends with amazing people, almost unknowingly. It will be difficult to let this go after the struggles of my first two years here. I was described today as the girl who knows everyone and I am so grateful. Maybe that’s strange to say.  I must allow myself to think of leaving as a positive; I want to miss Cardiff and I want to know I am choosing this city if I decide to come back rather than it choosing me. Right now I want to come back.

If I were more religious I would think of all this as a test of faith, in a way it still is. They said I haven’t changed one bit, my father said I change every single day. My Grandparents told me they are proud of everything I am and all that I am doing. When he placed her name on his tongue and shot it in my direction, I don’t think he meant to pull the trigger. I don’t think it mattered what his intentions were, the way it caught my breath and twisted at my insides was proof that I am still changing, still shifting but still human. Coffee makes me feel like I am capable of holding my ground but the caffeine will wear off soon and I will still hold the “no” in my mouth like a weapon. I will still win, and each time it will become easier, each little victory is important.

I feel beautiful. Even unprepared, lost in the moment, whiskey clumsy, probably lazy, the end is always the same, the conflict always evident. Holding his name at arm’s reach, not ready to question it, not ready to let it go, only allowing myself glimpses of his eyes that morning, his soft hair resting gently on my shoulder, snippets of his unrecognisable accent, “Three guesses”. It has become apparent that it is predominantly sex which drives me to write, and this must seem somewhat shallow to most but to me it seems obvious. Energy, empowerment, a fading reminder that I am powerful, I am wanted. It’s like fuel, momentum, validation if you will. You could say that validation must first come from yourself before you can allow it to be given by someone else, but I believe they work hand-in-hand. We are all a part of something bigger.

It is exhausting always waiting for the next challenge, this post is inconsistent and unresolved, an example of my mindset today I suppose, but something I am learning with every passing day is that I am entirely responsible for  my own success, every step I take is important, these are the moments I will remember. These decisions will be with me for years to come, and in all honesty I am falling in love with that, maybe even with myself, even today when things seem overwhelming and utterly relentless. This lifestyle is exhausting but thrilling and worth every second. I have to remember that.

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