Anyone who has travelled will know how ruthless it all can be, and yesterday was a reminder of how much this is how I want to live my life; the constant unimaginable rate of change and the need for overcoming and adaptation that comes from this. People are arriving and leaving almost always, even the ones that begin to become a part of the every-day, even the ones that have no intention of moving on. Everyone here is needing to adapt to survive, and that often means being flexible, geographically, socially, personally. Sometimes this is difficult and it can become lonely and frustrating very quickly, but it is this push against contentment, against laziness and comfort that has become what is most appealing about being here.
This week I vowed to cause one particular change. I really pushed myself to find work here in Sydney. Without a purpose people fall into chaos, lunacy, and I have felt the first hints of this and will not let myself be consumed again. It went well at the beginning; I had a handful of interviews and one, in particular, began to look hopeful. The people appeared to be positive, interested, professional, and yet after hours of effort and apparent harmony, when push came to shove they were exactly the same as everyone else: impersonal, inconsiderate, rude and overall entirely disregarding of my self and my worth. And I just want to scream at them “Don’t you know who I am, how hard I’ve worked, how surely by now I deserve at least this?”
To go from such a positive, hopeful mindset, to the fall disorientated into darkness yet again was the last straw. I know the negative effects of investing your emotional well-being in the actions of others but it is sometimes difficult to pull away and live in the moment, in your self, when such trust has been formed, when there is the illusion of stable dependability.
This morning I went to Creative Mornings, a creative event also hosted in my ‘home town’; a beacon of familiarity. The talk was on anxiety, an uncomfortable topic but necessary and informative nonetheless. The overall message of Richard’s talk was to be yourself, strive to be amazing not settling with average for the sake of fitting in. You won’t get anywhere claiming to be a 7. This week I am reminded that I have enjoyed and survived and moved onward from the last few fleeting encounters, transient connection with other travellers. The key is learning to detach.
I have fallen in and out of love, held onto and let go of people, places, food, music, hopes and plans. I have hoped, achieved and thrived here already. I know I shouldn’t let the temporary nature of all this bring me down, I should know by now that all of this is what I am. All the adrenaline, the love and lust and energy of it all, it is a part of me and what it all boils down to is the me I am moving towards being. The core of this must be enough. I want to be transient, evanescent. These words have such a negative stigma in today’s world; they don’t sit well with the ideals of the many. They don’t fall neatly into place, what I want sits jagged and uncomfortable even with me, but it is more honest and obvious and fluid and beautiful than anything else I can see in the easily digestible mainstream systems.
Also, Dodie Clarke (@DoddleOddle) is Instagram Live right now singing with the most talented room of people I have ever seen and it’s reminding me how valuable art is in a world that can be so harsh and black and white and consertative, colour and music and fluidity is a beauty we mustn’t forget. I should write more.
All shall pass, you just have to keep moving forward.