I believe it is fluid in sexuality, generous in acceptance and bright in ways we don’t even understand yet. I am aware that I write a lot of repetitive stuff. I’ll be clear, this has been coming for a long time, left undefined and inadequately explained, and until I drastically change my mind, learn more and have something new to say, I am only writing this once.
Intimacy is important, and the key to intimacy is having the capability to become vulnerable and trusting, and to detach when necessary, whether that be monogamously, ethically non-monogamously, in open or polyamorous relationships. The best relationships happen when you come together with a person or people, share in something special, allow the experience to help you grow and open up in different ways, and then move away naturally, without the need to hold onto each-other until the energy that was once so positively influential becomes stale and stagnant.
The best relationships are those which are self-aware and able to adapt to the constantly evolving forms of connection, even if those relationships last only a night, a week, a year. Even if those relationships last forever, be truthful to each-other and to yourself. Relationships become destructive when one or more people hold on to another out of fear, when the connection is no longer present, clinging to the unwritten social obligation that we must strive for permanence, co-dependent life-long partners. Monogamy used to mean one partner for life, monogamy now means one partner at a time (check out this TedTalk), I believe the next natural social step is ethical non-Monogamy.
Everything is energy, and in my mind that energy exists in two ways 2 ways: Static, grounding (masculine) and moving, flowing (feminine). Nature is female, and it is uncertain which makes some people wary to allow it into themselves and their actions and decisions. It appears that the majority of people strive for mainly masculine energy; confidence to the point of fault and certainty in life. People cling towards civilization and away from the wild; with marriage, buying a house and getting into a routine, and in doing so, they cast out the desire for the unknown. Many lack the strength to move back towards nature, and this is reflected in sexual culture and the conversation surrounding sex. Don’t get me wrong, monogamy is a great choice for those who live their lives by it, as long as it’s a choice. (GWF)
I believe that desire between people creates a bond, strengthened at every encounter. It creates a unique understanding and opens two or more people up to a shared empathy. I believe intimacy attracts energy, a force with the capability to inspire, motivate, awaken and heal. It can be used more personally as validation and fuel for self-love and improvement and it can be channelled for overcoming failure and rejection. The act of sex is a spark which can ignite a person’s awareness, providing a clear space to reflect and respond in the moment, the energy to become a better version of themselves and to support the other in growing also.
Many use this empathy, this power, in their work, to inspire creativity, to realise new solutions to problems. Stop telling yourself that sexuality is not important. Stop telling yourself that it is this shameful thing to be kept quiet about, kept behind closed doors. Be open to the benefits and drop the ego and the stifling unwritten laws that keep the topic of sex a taboo. The more we normalise this conversation the safer young people will be, the healthier relationships become and the less alienated those with differing opinions will feel.
This is something that has been present with me for a long time. There are four relationships where my pursuit of non-monogamy was starkly present. I remember my first relationship, 7 years ago, when after a year of being truly (if immaturely) in love, I fell for someone else and had to reconcile the fact that I loved two people at the same time. For someone who knew nothing of polyamory or open relationships and had grown up only being taught only of monogamy, this was hugely worrying. Did this mean I didn’t love the first? Was I just not ready to be in an adult relationship? Was there something wrong with me that I felt this overwhelming feeling towards another? Was the first love simply not good enough?
The second was with a man who totally deserved everything he got in the end, but at the time I was at my most dishonest, my most experimental and explorative and the way I was channelling this energy was hugely destructive; not that I knew it then. The third was equally as dishonest, disrespectful and reckless. I had my reasons for straying, I felt neglected and like I was with someone incapable of caring or looking after himself, never mind me. But while this explains my motivations it doesn’t excuse my dishonesty and I have recently reached out to close that loop. The truth always comes out in the end, and luckily this time I had the time to articulate it and explain in a way much less chaotic than the others.
The fourth was the resolution. My time with this person was useful and meaningful in so many ways; probably the most valuable was how he insisted on helping me face this part of myself, and acknowledge that it is indeed a part of who I am. And while I was furious about it at the time, I am forever grateful that we worked through so much.
After years of crippling guilt and blindly trying to navigate this, suppress this, and since a comparatively recent relationship where I spoke openly about this part of myself, and since my most recent relationship fell apart, I have been trying to be more aware, and answer the questions that have had me living conflicted and confused for so long: Why is it that because of feelings for another I am somehow no longer entitled to those I still have for the first? Have I just been lying to myself? Do I really love him? Do all polyamorous people and couples in open relationships just not care about each-other? Do they just care less? Maybe they care more… as if there’s safety in polar opposites. As if you could bargain away the love for each-other, explain yourself into two, three, four parts. Trust me, I have been tearing myself into pieces in hopes this would simplify the problem. It hasn’t. I know that I love him even if he doesn’t, and I know that I can’t have my cake and eat it this time.
I suppose I’m sorry for not buying into the whole monogamy scene, believe me when I say it would be much easier for me to just fit in, go along for the ride, but I truly can’t. I don’t know about you but I get a little rush every time I connect with someone through conversation or…otherwise. As a self-diagnosed introvert, flowing conversation can be really rewarding. Intimacy isn’t always about the physical act of sex, for me, it happens in social interaction, forms of physical contact, acts of kindness. My energy comes from meeting and connecting with interesting people, maybe that means I’m not an introvert. Maybe I’m just an awkward people person, until I’m not, and in those moments that I’m not, I can’t let myself worry about the feelings of others or attaching interactions to deeper meaning, worrying that it conflicts with what the world says is okay. In these moments I am truly myself and that’s really too powerful to tuck behind the curtains and wish to disappear for the sake of an easy life.
So have a conversation, be open and kind and empathetic. Chose monogamy if you will, but be aware of your choice and consider the alternatives, who knows what might lie behind that closed door. And as always, please correct me if I’m wrong or you have another opinion, I’m always up for having a meaningful discussion.