Refocus.

I wrote a post about a lack of focus recently, explaining the distractions of this place and my intention to concentrate on positivity and motivation instead. And yet I still ended up with a general lack of focus, and few actions towards living more intentionally, despite being here. Instead I continue to let myself become overwhelmed by the difficulties of this town, I let myself spend too much money on a trip out of here and I am frustrated at the way I continue to live my life here.

I am distracted by The Cowboy, as concept more than person.

He represents all that I cannot have (a big statement which should be explained but I’m not sure I can put it into words) and it is physically and emotionally draining being in the vicinity of him on random occasion so often. I am going to need to resolve the unfulfillment this presents me with.

It is not him I lust for really… He is on friendly terms with the boss; a misogynistic, power hungry man with no regard for anyone but himself, no kindness in his eyes, no empathy or humanity to his actions, and the cowboy is most likely the same. I have no reason to like him, but his presence is haunting in a way I can’t quite explain.

I am set on living healthier, more balanced, but I am overwhelmed by the cruelty and blindness of others.

From childhood, we are taught that just because everyone else is doing it doesn’t mean it is right. Every day I see people, even people in my friendship groups, in my family, living a life just because it is the easiest route, purposefully unaware of the impact of their actions, actively denying any suffering it might cause for the sake of an easy time. No-one likes to admit they’re wrong, and no-one likes to change.

I am reading Children of Time, I have been listening to podcasts and the Guardian long reads series on the history of the terminology surrounding feminism, The Patriarchy, the history of women’s oppression, and formulating a reasonable informed opinion, calming my raging anger, negotiating the part of myself who can’t face living on this earth another second.

I am learning how to live as a vegan healthily and how to cope with the cruelty of others. I am aware that I will have to deal with the insensitivity and blindness, and inequality of this world for the rest of my life and that can (all too often) be crippling and overwhelming in a ways unimaginable to those who don’t have to experience it, but I am working out ways to keep getting up in the morning, and educating myself and others and doing what I can in my own little universe to create a better future.

I have forgotten that the earth is beneath me.

I visited a Chinese tea garden the other week on our trip to Sydney, and it was while relaxing here, and pondering where my life is headed, that I remember that things are still rushing forwards, that time is still moving. Being in Dingo where nobody moves or aspires or apparently sees past the borders of their own small town and their own small-mindedneass, has slowed me down and made me forget the rest of the world flowing quickly around me. I am looking forward to leaving and throwing myself back into the swing of things, having meaningful conversations with new people, learning new faces, pursuing new passions.

I am frustrated with the reality of this country.

They say never meet your heroes and they are right. This is nowhere near the expectation I had for being in Australia and I vow never, ever, to work benneath my qualifications ever again.

What you allow is what will continue.

I will not let my hard work and time and money spent be for nothing. Todd says he’s worked so many shit jobs before, you get used to it and if you want to afford a place to live and food on the table you don’t have a choice but to do this kind of work. This paints a very bleak picture of his past and the culture of his country. But I can’t stress enough how much there is always a choice.

I want to be somewhere familiar again, I need to escape.

Because of this place, I have started missing the people back in the UK, the slowness of the country matches this one but at least there are familiar faces there. I have the overwhelming need for escape, to delve into the realm of video games in particular, to catch up with pop culture, discover modern gaming systems and exotic new places, versions of this world, dystopic and utopic imagined galaxies. I never fully got into that world; don’t get me wrong, I racked up the hours on RuneScape and The Sims and Forza back in the day, and more recently Minecraft, Fallout and Far Cry, and of course built up a shameful amount of different Skyrim lives. But I never got into the community side of things, I never led a team of team of people into battle in WoW or took part in tournaments or closely followed the trends in consoles, or had the finances to keep up with the ever increasing cost of new games. And I almost wish I had, I almost want to invest in a better laptop and see where that could lead me, but I’m hesitating to take the leap. I know it is really just this place. There are more important things to spend my money on to propel myself forwards instead of sliding sideways, ignoring and numbing, just as there always has been.

I am holding out for October, and staying hopeful and positive despite being so overwhelmed.

For now I am holding out for the travel that comes after the next two weeks (9 working days and counting), I need to meditate more often, and exercise my creativity, keep pushing to learn, even while stuck here, maybe there are more useful ways to use my limited data than the endless Instagram scroll. There will be a time when I’ll be facing the void again, for now I should make the most of this isolation, this caravan oven for baking, the blender for healthy smoothies, and the time to write and draw and listen to educational podcasts. I might even go for a run…

So to clarify, here’s how I plan to focus my energy towards better things:

– Write letters home. Things are going to change.

– Try to meditate at least once a week. I’ve been slacking.

– Print photos that I want to keep and put in labelled albums. Sort and systematically clear harddrive and backup. Start a fresh digital slate.

– Book flights.

– Find the women’s sanctuary in the rainforest near Cairns. Go.

– Learn more. Learn to code, learn about international finance, learn about the steps of women before me and formulate my own ideas and steps to the future, research the specifics of a healthy vegan diet. If I have to live on this planet I’m going to have to learn how to play the game. Knowledge is power and all that.

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