Excitement with a dash of nervousness and a hell of a lot of planning. That just about sums up this week for me. Less than four days to go until I jet off back to a more stable and relaxed land. Four days to say goodbye to friends, to reflect on the meaning of the last month, of places, people and myself.
This ground does not hold so much negativity as it once did; it seems ridiculous now, to turn places into caricatures of well-being and success, or lack of. I have stepped back into this little town as if none of it happened, as if I did not spend three years, depressed and reckless, as if being in this house, in his room, means nothing but a slight shimmering of what it meant to me in the past. Being here is no longer overwhelming to the point of despair, it instead represents somewhere meaningful yet clear, to build upon in the future. This place was once my home, however damaging that might have been before, it is liberating to be back and to have shrugged off the negativity in place for the new.
Even so, it is time to move on to the next stage again, until the next time.
I am doing my TEFL course, 100 hours in and excited for the opportunities this will grant me in my future. I will do the final exam soon, before I go back. Any advice on how to revise would be hugely appreciated! Even by doing this I am procrastinating against studying.
I am staying true to my values of food and relationships and healthy friendships as well. I am filtering out the negative influences of my life one by one and preparing to build anew and better; old friends still stuck in the same places, old relationships still crawling out of the cracks, or staying distant but still haunting the corners of my mind. It is time to truly let go, shed the expectations of the future. Temptations to go back to enjoyable work have clawed at me since I arrived back in the UK, but however attractive it might be to be earning a little more, being a little more stable, I refuse to sell out. Let me once again stress that no-one should accept being miserable in exchange for financial security, there is always a choice.
I am reeling for the events of this week, letting the adrenaline soak through my veins, being as open and authentic as I can, but holding the roaring fire at bay. I will use this new year to direct my energy and passion towards the positive change that I am capable of. I will work out what is genuinely important to me and the forces I must avoid, including many that are increasingly visible in this country. I will motivate myself to learn new skills, do free online courses while I have the opportunity; I want to continue my coding courses, of course my TEFL, I will attempt to do some freelance work this year and hopefully get to a point where I am able to afford Adobe software…
Instead of getting wound up about animal cruelty. I will stay true to my beliefs while working out how to stay as healthy as possible, I will educate or withdraw from others who share negative or stunted views. I will research and learn and do what I can, donate what I can, to support the positive movements of others. I will do what I can and not allow myself to become as overwhelmed as last year. If anyone has any suggestions of how to support the vegan movement from/in Melbourne or Hobart, please let me know. I can offer my time and energy, and financially when I have more stable work.
I will accept nothing less than what I need. I will enjoy my work and have a home, I will go to events that inspire me and surround myself with only interesting, passionate, positive people and Goddammit I will be happy. I will not settle and neither should you.